Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
