you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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