to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's never too late to be topless.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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