i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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