I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
