Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
