Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
