Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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