Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
