just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
