Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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