the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
