There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
