he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
