Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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