I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
