Dual....:-)
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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