if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
