The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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