why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize