Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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