When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
