I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
