Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
