I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
