Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My breath smells like gin and sadness
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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