I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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