Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
