It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
