It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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