I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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