why didn't you poke me back
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
