I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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