I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
