his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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