I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
