Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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