NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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