I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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