Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
