when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
