i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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