If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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