nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
