Soap is not a condiment
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
