You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
