dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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