on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
