either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
