i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
