i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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