just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We are all done wearing pants today
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
