I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize