If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
