I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
