I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You are a genius and a whore.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
