now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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