I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
