i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
