My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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