Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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