she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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