Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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