toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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