puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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