I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
