Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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