Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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