Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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