I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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