So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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