He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
