I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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