wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
